The Hole in My Heart

For My Son

There’s a special place for one’s first-born child, and that space in my heart is held by my son,

Lemell NewSchool

. After ten estranged years, I am very grateful that he connected with me here on Substack.

The hole in my heart could not have been dug hardly any deeper.

I am sure that after having me for a mother (Ha-ha) and traveling 30 countries, he has a lot of stories to tell.

I always said that we grew up together; people always thought we were brother and sister. At age 19 when I had him, I may not have known much but I knew how to cook and even then, in 1979, I didn’t trust baby food and made my own from scratch… banana squash, apple sauce, peas. All fresh, which may explain why Carlos became a chef in his own right.

I worked weekends through medical school, but took time to enjoy some local vacations, most notably at Disneyland. Here we are with his friend, Jonathan, on your left, and Carlos to your right. I’m sorry the image is blurry but trust me when I tell you that he was cute as a button.

Carlos on the right, with his friend Jonathan, and me.

After the 2005 car accident with his sister and I, by the grace of God, we managed to start a nonprofit in downtown Los Angeles. I remember it was close to my cardiologist who specialized in dysautonomia/POTS, but I wish that I remembered more. Here I am wearing my IV over my right shoulder, with a PICC line (an IV) going into my right heart area. Carlos loved being in L.A. and I can’t wait to see him again.

By the time I was ready to graduate medical school as a single parent with no alimony or child support, Carlos finally told me it was “okay” to finish. He knew all the pain I went through being On Call and working 100 hours a week. Because of my schedule, he was a latch-key kid and played bass in grade school. Like me, he tested out of high school early and then just after 911, he enrolled in the Navy and was eventually shipped overseas.

You can see how sweet Carlos’ face is, just as sweet as his soul. He put me through medical school. He saw my tears, my sobs, my weary days and nights, and he encouraged me. He gave and gave and gave to me. He was the most perfect son that any mother could want.

And I am grateful that the hole in my heart, the one that has been hidden from the world, is being made perfect, being touched by God.

There are a lot of gaps in my memory, but I remember all the good things. Thank you for sharing in this special time with me, and I look forward to more good times and wonderful shares. Thank you for praying for us, that we work through all the hard times and get past the forgiveness, and on to the love that Jesus Christ wants us to have together. May we work together for the good of us both, and may God bless us as only He can do.

LET US PRAY

Holy God,

Thank you for forgiving me of my sins, and for making me pure and clean before Your wonderful presence. Let Your light and love be evident through me, all the days of my life.

I ask you to bless my son, and to bless the children of all who read this. Bless them in Your most precious ways, and grant them all Your peace and blessings through life, so that they know You are always with them.

For all the estranged relationships, Lord, please mend them. Mold them, perfect them through Your Holy Spirit.

We ask this in the Name of Jesus.

Amen.

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